Changing Times

I came across this quote recently - “I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.” Peter Ustinov.

I started thinking whether this possibly could be true.

Given our social need to mingle and mix with people, we form social bonds with fellow human beings. Of course, the level of bonding varies from functional (you and your accountant), need driven (you and your pesky neighbor), social obligations (your classmates or colleagues who you would rather ignore) to this type called ‘friends’. This bond needs no further explanation.

But is it necessary that the friends you have known the longest are the ones who you necessarily like the most? On the other hand, is it necessary, that you are friends with someone because they merely ‘got to you first’? A flashback to the first lecture of my under graduate program was a clear eye opener for me. Yes – my friends today are the ones who got to me first. However, they aren’t my closest friends.

It was a startling realization. I started looking for examples around me which could be explained by the ‘got there first’ syndrome.

One early bird which comes to mind is the ‘Ambassador’ from Hindustan Motors (HM). For close to 40 years, everyone who wanted a diesel automobile in India befriended this car. ‘Premier Padmini’ was the only other option available but it lost to the ‘Ambassador’ in terms of being sturdy and spacious. HM had the ‘got there first’ advantage so to say but somewhere they became complacent and took their relation with customers for granted. Instead of evolving with the customers and their changing needs, the ‘Ambassador’ stayed the same.

When Maruti entered the market in the 1980’s, Indians quickly befriended Maruti. Within no time, Ambassador had lost its leadership position to Maruti. Moral of the story is that people (customers) sometimes befriend certain people (brands) due to absence of other people (brands) to befriend.

The friend, the brand in this context, should not take the relation for granted. The longevity of a relation does not necessarily ensure loyalty or strength of commitment. If the brand does not evolve, adapt or grow with the customer, the friendship starts to wither. The customers will hang around only because they have to and not because they want to. The early bird definitely got the worm and lost the butterfly!

Another first mover that comes to mind is ‘Acuvue’.

In early 1980’s, the Vistakon unit of J&J sold contact lens only meant for astigmatism, and were an expensive proposition. When they came upon an ophthalmologist in Copenhagen who had conceived a way to manufacture contact lenses inexpensively – J&J got to work. They bought rights to the product and set up a high speed manufacturing facility. The company got a 6 month head start over the competitors such as Bausch and Lomb and Ciba-Geigy. J&J not only brought in a new product, they also marketed it differently. They marketed the product to eye care professionals and end consumers as well. Even today, ‘Acuvue’ is the clear market leader. The competition was never able to catch up.

As a leader, you need to continually be on the lookout to better the solution to the problem your product is solving instead of becoming lethargic. Even today, J&J is continually working towards developing a better product and also towards some technologies which would make contact lenses obsolete.

‘Acuvue’, which is the friend in this context, is seen as someone who understands your needs better than everyone else. It would be quite difficult for a Bausch and Lomb to convince customers that they are better than J&J. It’s a clear case of that first friend being, and continuing to be your best friend!

With every new person who gets included in your social circle (a new brand launch), there is always an undercurrent of changing dynamics. There is no way for you to limit the interactions between two people. The only solution therefore, is to be totally cognizant of the state of mind your friend is in. The relation you have had till now will hold you in good stead for a while. If the new friend does enter the coterie, the secret is to quickly grow in the dimension that is missing in you currently; the dimension which made the new friend attractive in the first place.

The longer the relationship, the more change a friendship is bound to see. Every relationship needs work. The friend could have been with you since pre-school but if he fails to understand your needs and wants as a young professional today; the relationship will slowly change and possibly fade. The friend who observes this change and responds to accommodate the change is the one who will have the stronger relationship.

It is a disconcerting discovery that you as friend are under the scanner, but looks like Peter Ustinov was right after all. 

Vikruti Evam Prakriti

On 2 July 2009, the Delhi High Court de-criminalized homosexual intercourse between consenting adults, throughout India. It felt good to know that we as a country are ready to recognize the gay community. 

However, around seven months or so ago, I realized that it is not just the legal recognition that the community is fighting for.

I had decided not to right about this. But the recent controversy around the gay rights in California, brought back some old memories and so I thought of sharing my story.

I have altered some aspects of the story to ensure privacy of my friend. Let us name him XYZ.

There is a park near my home which I try to visit at least thrice a week. Since I have lived in the same locality since childhood, most of the faces at the park are familiar.

I ran into XYZ just as I was leaving the park one day. I had never seen his guy before. He is the sort of person who is hard to miss. He is about 6‘3” tall, very fair and looks like he is a regular at some gym.

Over the next few days, we graduated to smiling at each other when we passed each other.

A few days later, we had our first conversation at the juice center just outside the park. A consultant by profession, he was originally from Delhi and had moved to Mumbai a few months back.

XYZ and me were at the juice counter having small talk, when a group was just leaving the park. Since I know the group, I sort of waved a blanket good bye to everyone. To my surprise, a few of them completely ignored the greeting and proceeded out of the park.

Probably, they were engrossed in their own conversations; I thought to myself.

XYZ asked me,’ Do you know why they did not return your greeting?’

I did not know what to say, so I just waited for him to answer his own question.

‘It’s because you are standing with me’

Over the last few days, I had realized XYZ was gay. It did not affect my behavior with him. Why should it? His sexual orientation is of absolutely no consequence to me.

‘Have you seen anyone ever talking to me?’

Knowing that he was new to the city, I did not particularly expect him to have friends here. Somehow, the fact that people could be avoiding him just never struck me.

‘So now, they will not talk to you when you are with me’

OK. This was plain bizarre. Come on. People are not that crazy. Or were they?

‘I have been a member of this gym since over 4 months now. I used to work out in the evening’

He went ahead and told me how the gym members made him miserable. If he entered the weight training section, all the men pretty much vacated it the moment he entered the area.

They sniggered quite openly at him when he was working out and the men usually left the locker room when he walked in. Out of sheer dread, he had not even tried the steam room. He had paid up for a whole year, but he had stopped going to gym about a month or so back.

I felt nothing but abject pity for this man.

He went ahead and told me how he had met his partner. Both the men had decided to tell their families about each other. His parents in Delhi had disowned him. And currently they were dealing with his partners’ family in Mumbai. The outcome did not look positive there either.

It was not like they were children who had lost their way. It was a realization, a choice. And yet, no one was willing to accept their decision.

I started thinking about just how lonely they must be feeling.

Can you imagine your family disowning you? Can you ever imagine that your family would ever say that they rather have no child ? If family doesn’t understand, then who will?

I started thinking about the group who had apparently ignored me. What could they possibly have against this guy? The sexual orientation of one person should not matter to anyone else. Or is it because it is something they are unable to deal with? Can’t comprehend? Is it because they think it is not natural?

The sexual orientation of the person is such a personal choice. The Rigveda, one of the four canonical sacred texts of Hinduism says 'Vikruti Evam Prakriti'. It means - what seems un-natural is also natural. Historical literary evidence indicates that homosexuality has been prevalent across the Indian subcontinent throughout history, and that homosexuals were not necessarily considered inferior in any way.

I doubt if people consider the gay community to be inferior in any way. While legalizing gay marriages is important, a social approval and acceptance would definitely go a long way to make them feel a part of the society. What they need is not be frowned upon or discriminated against. What we need now, is a change in mentality.

If Only...

If only, Ayesha sighed to herself. This happens to me every time I come here, Ayesha realized as she rang the doorbell to Simran’s home. Today was Simran’s ‘surprise’ birthday party.

‘Hi Esha’, Simran’s mother opened the door to let her in, ‘Any idea where Simran is?’

‘She sent me a text. I am supposed to meet her here in an hour’

Conversation flowed freely between them as they worked on the decorations. Ayesha did not remember a time when she had a relaxed normal conversation with her own mother. Agreed, her parents had a lot on their minds. Both of them worked and they were so exhausted by the end of the day that they barely had any energy for small talk. They discussed mostly pending bills and tuition fees. Stretched finances are a conversation killer.

If Ayesha would have pictured a dream family, it would possibly be Simran’s. The money was not the only difference: the family, well, behaved like family. Simran had an older brother and a really adorable set of parents. Each time Ayesha was with them, she wished she had a family just like this.

‘Looks like we are all set’, Kabir said while surveying the living room, ‘Looks like everyone is here. Now just waiting for the little princess to show up’

The door bell chimed as if in response to Kabir. Kabir eyed the peephole and gave everyone a nod. As soon as he opened the door, everyone enthusiastically screamed ‘Surprise!’

‘Oh my God! Wow!’, Simran hugged her parents,’ You guys are the bestest’

You could not argue with that. Ayesha was treated like the second daughter in Simran’s house and she really cherished the warm feeling she got whenever she was around them. They really were the bestest family in the world.

‘Esha, come here babe!’

Kabir clicked away the perfect moment and turned his attention to the table laden with food. After stuffing his mouth with a handful of kebabs, Kabir picked a few trays and started walking around the living room.

Simran split from Ayesha and started mingling. Ayesha was not very comfortable around too many people and when Simran’s parents left for the evening, she found solace in an empty kitchen.

A couple of hours, is what it usually takes for me to start feeling guilty about wanting a different family, Ayesha mused. Not that Ayesha was thankless, but sometimes she just wished things were different.

She was humming to herself while arranging the finger food, when Kabir walked in with a few empty trays. Kabir was Simran’s older brother. He was older, mature which actually should have made her feel out of depth around him. But it never did. He always made her laugh. He always made her feel good about herself.

Ayesha did not have a great deal of expertise in dealing with people from the opposite sex. Most boys in college were downright dull and she preferred to spend time with her girl friends. But she liked spending time with Kabir. Lately, she wasn’t really sure why, she felt all funny inside when she met him.

‘I am guessing you don’t want to be outside with a bunch of hungry lunatics’, Kabir motioned to the commotion outside, ’Not that I blame you’

‘You can take these’, Ayesha pointed to the tray of cutlets and chips she had just finished arranging. She barely made eye contact with him. She really wanted him out of the kitchen. She knew it was a stupid thought. It was his house!

‘So, what are your plans after graduation?’, Kabir questioned while using some tissues to clean the trays.

’I will apply to the university here and see what courses I am eligible for’, she rambled too quickly.

If Ayesha did not manage the scholarship for her master’s program, she would not be able to study further. Simran’s parents, on the other hand, were encouraging her to try a program abroad to get a broader perspective.  

‘Simran is still undecided about where she wants to go and for what program. Since I have studied in the US, chances are she is headed to the US as well’

The choices the rich had to make, she smiled to herself. She thought back to the first day she had met Simran. They had both come into class quite early and sat on adjacent chairs, right at the head of the class. They had hit it off and by the end of the first week, they were pretty much inseparable. Gradually, they had realized the differences. They were poles apart in terms of social standing as well as individual personalities but their friendship just grew stronger.

‘You both want to study advanced architecture, don’t you? Simran wants to learn landscaping, but she would need to stay abroad to practice that. Not sure India has a market for landscaping yet’

‘Yeah, we both think the same as well. She has narrowed it to interior design for now. Depends on the school she gets through’

As they continued the conversation, both were quite oblivious to Simran standing in the doorway to the kitchen. Simran had been looking for Ayesha to share some juicy gossip, but it could wait.

Simran had realized just a few weeks ago that Ayesha had a massive crush on Kabir. Ayesha had not expressly acknowledged it but Simran knew enough about Ayesha to understand without having been told. Interestingly enough, her parents had been looking for a suitable girl for Kabir and they had not come across any good alliance so far. 

So Simran had asked Kabir what he thought of Ayesha. She had waxed eloquent about the goodness of her darling friend and Kabir had laughed her out of his room. But sometime between then and yesterday night, Kabir had been convinced about Ayesha.

Simran’s parents were ecstatic. Coming weekend, they had decided to talk to Ayesha’s parents about Kabir. If Ayesha’s parents agreed to Kabir as their future son-in-law, they would all tell her together as a family. Ayesha and Simran would both study abroad for their masters program and once their studies were done, Ayesha and Kabir would get married.

The girls had often discussed their lives, the future aspirations, their knights in shining armour. Simran could not believe how perfect Kabir and Ayesha were for each other. She had been warned not to talk about anything to Ayesha till it was all discussed and agreed upon. Frankly, Simran found that quite difficult. She wished she could tell Ayesha. She could not wait to welcome Ayesha in the family.